The web is full of these "letting go" memes:
Sometimes you need to let go of your "self"
It's healthy and important to know when to remove people from our lives, but cutting ties with other people is only one part of building better relationships. As empowered, self-motivated individuals we must acknowledge the role we play in boxing ourselves into stagnant situations.
The sky isn't going to fall if you pull the plug on a poor relationship. Knowing when to let go of what isn't working allows us to make room for what will. Even though we're individuals and it's good to stand on our own, none of us exists alone. We need each other, but that doesn't mean we need to settle for unfulfilled connections.
It's not about ego-trips, someone stealing our thunder, or not always getting our own way. It's about having common sense, confidence, and enough self love to realize when others are taking their lack of self-respect out on you, or noticing when your own insecurities have boxed you into poor behavior patterns.
Sometimes we develop false personalities in order to suit the perceived needs of others - which are really our own projections of inadequacy. The easy solution is to break things off with other people, when all we really need to do is take responsibility for our projections from the beginning.
This lesson has taken me the better part of a decade to learn. I had the first part of this down (sort of). I'm happy to drop anyone at any time. If things become "too much" I'm ready, and equipped, to walk away. I know how to detach (if I want to). And although I'm also happy to keep the door open for communication and reconciliation, I notice that people rarely change, and my expectations rarely diminish with time. It's a catch-22.
But the frequency with which I was dropping people from my life - and being dropped from theirs - has forced me to examine the parts of my nature leading to these rampant breaks.
I realized that I project a naturally inviting personality, based off my own dependence on acceptance, desire, and fondness. I like to be liked, and I get upset when I'm not.
This point came home sharply over the weekend during a heated exchange with someone I admire very much. The conversation started when I expressed an opinion on cops, and ended with accusations of my degenerate behavior which were based off the lies of a third part who currently has no place in my life what-so-ever.
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| Cats dig boxes. Me, not so much. |
The discussion was aggravating to endure, but it was mostly hurtful.
I always want to believe the best about those I love. And barring murder, child abuse, or torture I'm willing to accept just about anything my loved ones do. Seriously.
So it hurts twice as much when they opt to believe lies against me, and then throw those lies at me, as though in their eyes I'm somehow unworthy because someone else has planted seeds of doubt.
Then I realized I wasn't hurt by the accusations or the lies. People are prone to embellish and distort reality. As a writer I'm both familiar with and adept at this. (tut tut) Also, I'm imperfect, so I have to accept that truth about myself, and accept it in others.
And that's what hurt: I realized I wasn't perfect in this person's eyes, and that they weren't willing to accept my imperfection. It felt like I was being rejected and denounced for being human.
The realizations continued. The unfortunate truth is I'm not completely authentic in all my relationships. There are parts of myself I suppress and withhold in order to make or keep others happy. I adjust and cram sections of my personality into the box so that I can keep people's good favor.
And for what? Can I really respect anyone I keep things from? And why should I seek to hold the affections of anybody who would retract them at my imperfections, or deviation from their ideal vision of me?
In the past two years I've learned to accept my own imperfections more and more, and to accept it when others don't.
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| - Said I to my false identity. |
I don't mind standing alone, which is why it always surprises me when I catch myself still boxed inside a false-personality box of my own creation within one of my relationships. I see myself as a warrior woman, an intelligent and resilient soul survivor.
I have strong beliefs and values and I know this, regardless of what others say behind my back. My beliefs keep me marvelous company and my values are very warm at night. They continue to attract the right people into my life while repelling anyone too weak to withstand their build.
Hurt is an inescapable part of life. But it's also the fastest way for us to grow. This weekend I broke a false-personality box I'd forgotten was around me, and as I reflect I see that it broke right on schedule. I'm strong enough to endure this break, and hopefully wise enough to rebuild the relationship based on truth and better communication.
Sometimes the relationships we have to end and the people we must evict from our lives are our own false identities.
The good news is that as I shatter and rip away what keeps my perceived imperfection hidden, it becomes easier to identify and manifest the best in my life. And it's really all about growth. If I'm not changing and growing then I'm stagnant.
I'd much rather be dynamic, which I can't very well do from inside a box.
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