A dearly departed friend of mine once said of my ability to give second chances:
"Cause we all know how easily you forgive people."
He was being sarcastic, you see, because I do not forgive people easily.
This is a two-fold affliction.
First of all I have about 100 chips on my shoulder, or maybe just one big chip that weighs 100 pounds. I feel that people are very quick to turn their backs on me, or automatically believe that I'm the villain in any given circumstance without listening to reason. They rarely give me the chance to explain my actions - either because people are idiots (I'm going with this one) who don't believe that anyone's actions could actually be propelled by a series of thoughts, or people automatically assume I'm an idiot and my thoughts make no sense so of course all my actions are wrong.
These are my chips, so fuck apologies. I'm not going to beg anyone for a second chance who a) thinks I'm a lunatic, or b) is too stupid to get on my level.
The second reason I don't fuck with forgiveness is because it doesn't make any sense. What is forgiveness? Is forgiveness an automatic pass you give people who've hurt you to hurt you again? Because that's what it seems like to me.
Say a man rapes and murders your daughter, or sister, or even your mother. How do you forgive that man? Take me through that step by step... Or, better yet, since you're here I'll take you.
The first step would be you release the hurt, you remind yourself that what happened then was the past. Then, you put yourself in the other person's shoes and you extend them some compassion regarding the circumstances that would form their character into a person who would commit this horrendous transgression, not just against you, but against anyone. Right? Does that sound like something that makes sense?
I could see that as being a playbook for forgiveness. And in this light forgiveness would seem to have a lot to do with releasing the ego, and attaching our awareness and understanding to circumstances not directly linked to our own experiences. It'd be sort of like taking on another consciousness for about two seconds - which admittedly is pretty hard for most people to do. But how else could anyone truly forgive another person without coming outside of themselves and entering the other person's reality?
Isn't that the biggest requirement of forgiveness? Forgetting ourselves?
But what comes after that? Because usually when the person who wants your forgiveness is in your immediate sphere and not some random stranger who's committed violence on you, they expect to be allowed back into your circle right?
Not me though. Nope.
If you show your colors to me I put you in your box outside of my box, and you stay there. I'll smile at you, maybe if I feel like it. But I'm not even really about you. I might "forgive" you and let the past go, but why would I ever allow you back into my world? Why? You would only disappoint me again, because you either don't understand, or don't respect my feelings.
I'm always surprised and entertained by people who respond with shock to my cold shoulder. Seriously? Are you sure you don't know why I don't like you anymore? Are you positive that I'm just 100% a drama queen who woke up today and decided not to be friends with you?
That can't be true - AT ALL. I do not just wake up mad. I'm a writer of stories for crying the fuck out loud. Do you have any idea how thought out a story has to be? Do you know how many details have to be covered, how many scenes set, how many motives I have to account for? Thinking things through is a part of the very fabric and essence of who and what I am. I do it every single day, and you have the ignorant audacity to assume that I just develop random whims of aggression against unsuspecting victims because I'm insane? REALLY? You're an idiot.
I used to hand out second and third chances. Then, just as an exercise in people-studying I limited it to second chances. I figured, let me try this "talking about my feelings" thing, let me give this a try.
You know what I found - people will say anything as long as they want something from you. And when they get what they want, or you stop giving it to them they always, without failure respond "Why are you being this way?" You could be as cool, calm, collected, clear, and concise as possible, without a trace of malice or aggression and someone who's overextended on your kindness will always go "Why are being like that?" as soon as you pull back.
I'm supposed to forgive you for pretending to be my friend? I'm supposed to forgive you for standing aside casually while I was disrespected? I'm supposed to forgive you for being a pardon to hands that held me down? I'm supposed to forgive you for telling me to be less of myself so that you would feel more secure in your tiny world?
REALLY THOUGH? REALLY?
The other part of this is that I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I have to learn forgiveness or my soul might irreversibly darken for this lifetime. Everyday as I become more comfortable in my cunt, like I think this attitude is cute, I worry for my karmic path.
But I still like it. I think it's cute to regulate bitches and put people in their place. I think it's cute to let everyone know that IDGAF for their excuses, and they can either get with my program or keep it moving. Of course I love this shit. I like letting everyone know that I don't need anyone for anything, and if there's one gonna show up, I can find four more in a week - whoever, whatever the case may be.
But that's only one side of me. There's light here too. I like to nurture and foster and encourage people. I love to do this! I love spreading joy where and when I can. I like to share when I can, what I can. It greatly displeases me that I can no longer do this on a personal level, but it doesn't displease me enough that I'd attempt it again.
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| how do you look on the bright side.... |
I think I still have lots to offer people, and myself, in this lifetime, on this plane. And I think I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I don't have to do that in interpersonal relationships. Like, legitimately. I don't need a clique of bad bitches (I like my bitches smart, and smart bitches are often too busy being AMAZING, to walk around being sexy for sexy's sake), and I most certainly don't need a semi-permanent/frequent romantic man-partner.
Some how, this is all related to forgiveness and compassion... Oh! there it is!
I have compassion and forgiveness for myself against whatever's put these chips on my shoulders. And I have compassion and forgiveness for the human race as a whole (even if I really don't like some of its parts - and you skuzzies know who you are!). There's more to it than who and what's hurts me in the past. At the very least, if I should need anything in this life, it's my belief that the future is infinitely more important than the past. And perhaps that's what Forgiveness and Compassion are: concentrated commitments to the best possible future outcome as a result of the worst possible experienced past. That sounds smart and clever. I'm gonna run with it.
I'm curious to know about people different from me. Have you ever forgiven someone for hurting you real bad? How and why did you let them back into your life?
I'm curious to know about people different from me. Have you ever forgiven someone for hurting you real bad? How and why did you let them back into your life?
1 comment:
I'm writing my 750 words this morning and got distracted by your post, so I'll use them to respond! I was thinking about forgiveness last night and I think its really one of the most important things you can do for your soul. Not that it's easy. And I haven't been able to do it on many levels.
Not everyone deserves to be back in my life, but there are different types of betrayal, different histories attached that make the grey area a little harder. There are times when I've "forgiven" in person, but then realized that I hadn't really in my heart. That my heart was still very much bruised from what they did to me. That it still is. That even though my mind says "Fuck no! That loser?" my heart says, "Why? How? How could you do that to someone? I thought you had a beautiful soul."
And this is why faith is such an important part of forgiveness (and why it's a major tenet of all religions - the person who has the strength to forgive is always the higher consciousness/moral person in the situation.
Wow. Typing this out I've realized it. I've "forgiven" in person for a lot of situations (or at least said, "don't worry about it" "i'm not mad" etc) without forgiving in my heart. Avoiding the feeling because it is terrifying and overwhelming.I know this is because I have so much pent up anger at being lied to as a child. At having someone else shape my story in such a profound way when I trusted them completely. There is a reason that betrayal is key in so many plot lines.
This is the hard part. The way I trust and have faith in people is a beautiful, childlike thing. I don't believe that people intentionally harm one another in such a direct way. When someone does something to you, it's never about you - it's about them. I think its healthy to keep your distance and rarely give second chances. The people who really deserve them and want them for the right reasons will prove it to you.
But I think what I need to start doing is praying for the people who have wronged me. Pray for whatever is blocked and hurt and angry in their soul to be released. To know that I am also a sinner and I could have fallen just as easily. (I am generally good at "doing the right thing" - but we all have our moments) I think you have to see that the suffering in another person is not separate from the suffering of the world, and thus not separate from you.
To know that you are forgiven for your sins is what has driven religion for thousands of years. It is so powerful. When you can do that for other people, genuinely, while also having compassion for yourself to do what you need to do (not see them, or whatever), you become more godly. Which isn't everyone's purpose - I suppose, but is probably the way to serenity.
Rambling thoughts before coffee, but that's where I'm at right now. I think the point, also, is that when you don't forgive you get stuck in the past. Perhaps stuck repeating the past? And we allll know that life and love and joy are found only in the present moment. :)
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