Hmm.
I'd always avoided the idea that I was maneater because I thought a maneater to be someone a lot sexier, more confident, and more romantically lethal than I ever felt I was. A maneater is someone who has men falling all over themselves to be with her, to give her what she wants. A maneater could get anything she wanted just off the desirability of her yum-yums. She crushes hopes and dreams and friendships and she truly, truly doesn't give a fuck.
I'm not that chick. I can't possibly be.
Does running through lovers like a wildfire, discarding whoever doesn't give me what I want, and refusing to invest my emotions in any long-term possibilities make me a maneater? And if it does, would it be such a terrible thing? Lately, I'm beginning to wonder.
My old roommate in Sunnyside, Jenny, once called me a "manizer" playing on the title of Britney Spears' Womanizer. I mean, I guess. At that time I was juggling two guys at my job. I didn't work with either, we all just happened to work in the same office building. The company I worked for had the 6th and 7th floors. AJ worked on the 5th floor, and I'd met him in August. Jonathan, the elevator repairman from Massapequa, Long Island had come on around September/October to fix the building's horrendously terrible elevators.
I wasn't immediately involved with either. I wasn't even sure how, if, or when I was going to get smoochies from them.
There's no strategy. I have no game. I smile, I talk, and somehow things happen. In my mind I'm a fraggle. I look like a fraggle, I walk and talk like a fraggle. I have a fraggle's life philosophy, and worldview... I don't know who these men are out here in this world who want to smooch on a fraggle. I have my good days, but I almost never get tail on my good days. Aint it always the way? Anyway...
AJ and I made our smoochies in the stairs. Jon and I went to the roof, the mechanical room, the top of the elevators. One afternoon in November, AJ wanted to talk and asked me to come down and take quick walk with him. Fine, I agreed.
The building had entrances on either side of lobby, so when we made it through the turnstiles and I saw Jonathan at the front of the building having a cigarette I made an immediate move for the other entrance, a good 40 feet further away. When AJ and I got back to the building, Jon was still outside the other entrance, and he gave me the suspect eyes as I passed the front desk.
But just because I was getting my kicks with two guys at the same time doesn't make me a man-izer. If we're just having fun, then everything is all good right? It's not like I'm running around the place making promises I don't intend to keep, casting magic love spells, and serving up sweet champagne lies to people.
There's no trail of broken hearts in the wake of my kisses! I refuse to believe that. Burnt and bruised egos, maybe. But no one's getting played by me.
Last month I accidentally got it on with a major fox. When I say accidentally, I mean it. I didn't leave home that evening with the idea that I wouldn't get home until the next afternoon. I didn't intend cuddle up, and smooch out. I went out to see someone play some music and then stuff just happened. It was cool, we kicked it the next day. We cuddled, we smoochied. It was what it was.
Then some uncomfortable feelings started coming up for me. The first issue was both the warning, and my internal suspicion that he was still hung up on his ex. The second was that he was intolerably charming and layered and curious and intriguing. I mean, if there's anything I love more than a pretty face, it's someone who's more than a pretty face.
So I smooshed a hot, smart guy? How is that an issue, you ask?
Look, I'm not out here dying to get shacked up you know. I'm very wary of the entire thing. I don't even use the term "dating" because it implies some sort of structured exercise which, although temporary, is just the beginning of the courtship process - whose end goal is to get two people hitched and sewn to one another with the purpose of making little versions of themselves. And you already know how I feel about little versions.
Although it's possible to be married without making little versions, nothing much about the process of arriving at the destination married makes getting married even seem worthwhile.
If I'm getting smoochies and rocks are getting off, pretty much the last thing I want is to actually "like" the person. Because like is the beginning of love, and love is a very messy thing. Because people get butthurt, and they give you tests, and they cry, and they ice you out, and the whole thing is a bloody mess.
You can understand the predicament I was in to have accidentally bed a smart pretty-face.
Luckily for everyone involved he's revealed himself to be a poor liar. This saves me tons of trouble. First of all, I don't like liars. Second of all, at this stage in the game, I already know that any guy who can't keep his word, or be straightforward with truthful ones obviously is not worth my time, respect, or interest. Period. Point blank. End of discussion. Good-bye.
It's unfortunate, because he is truly a sight to behold. But, um....the world is covered in babes. And while he was clever, and inventive, there are many geniuses out there as well.
For the past three weeks, I was sort of sweating bullets everyday, worried that I was liking this guy, and what would happen if he liked me back, and how would I ever honestly be able to get that plane off the ground, considering my fear of heights. And then suddenly, I didn't have to do anything because he wasn't into me and I was safe.
I know this doesn't sound like it makes it sense. But it makes perfect sense to me, and there's nothing like being able to breathe again because I no longer like someone.
I'm pretty sure a real maneater wouldn't even have these problems. A real maneater doesn't have to worry about liking people, dodging the bullets of her own susceptibility to feelings. Not gonna lie, I'd love to be a real maneater. But I don't think I'm quite there yet.
Still, it gets better. Almost immediately after I officially purged pretty-face from my reality I got called out on my bullshit. I'll tell you about it tomorrow in Part 2: Express Yourself.
1 comment:
I AM SO THE SAME WAY!!!
Post a Comment